On the clock part 2

So last time i was talking about being comfortable with how i am which isn't the stereotypical 20 something. And i shared a few funny pictures of me at work. Oh yes i got paid to do all that. 

And well i left it all on a bit of a cliff hanger telling you there was a reason i do all those things. Well here it is.


*big breath in*


I want a child. 

The big bio clock is set to alarm and its getting pretty hard to ignore it.
Yes i know about the practicalities and yes i know that in my current position there is no way i would be able to financially support another life. 
These are all things that i have constantly going around in my mind like a whirlwind.
In one direction I've got the totally emotional crippling need (yes I'm saying need) to have a child and the other direction I've got the reality kick back of the logistical side of actually having a child. 

One of my best friends of all time has just had a child who is gorgeous and i see as much as possible (probably not helping the situation i know) but every where i look I have the constant reminder that i 1. Don't have a child and 2. My medical state may mean that either i cant ever get pregnant or that it will be very difficult.


Now to explain the above. I'm not looking to hold myself a pity party. I've cried long enough and come to terms with everything so here are the facts.


When i was 13 i was diagnosed with Endometriosis. At 13 i was told that i was either going to be infertile or have difficulties becoming pregnant. The plot thickened when later that year i became sick (see here for previous rant/post about that time). I now have Pernicious Anemia which is where the body cant absorb Iron from food or supplements meaning that the red blood cells cant carry oxygen around the body. I now have to have Iron injected every 10 weeks and believe me when i say you cant feel the difference when i'm coming up to needed topping up. I get out of breath really easily (obviously as my blood cant carry as much oxygen as it doesn't have anything to attach to) but this has also meant that this would cause even more difficulties falling pregnant. Again i'm not looking for a pity party. I've come to accept the way things are like anyone else with a long term illness.


So yes my biological clock as you might be able to tell is not a friend when it starts going into overtime.

Does it make me a bad person to want to have a child now even though its not financially feasible? 
My parents did it and constantly say that you can never truly save for a child.


The need (yes im saying it again) to have a child is so great that I've even started dreaming about having a child. Not very nice dreams. According to a very large alcoholic drink and a sit down to calm the nerves my brain is relating the terror i have of never being able to have children. NOT HELPFUL BRAIN!


Not what i need to see thanks.


Why does the brain cause such disturbances? For fun? To get an endorphin kick?


Anyone else have this happen to them?


It can't just be me can it?


Feedback is greatly appreciated from anyone. Even if its just to say shut up and deal.